Dating when you've unpacked your baggage

Dating when you’ve unpacked your baggage.

Dating. Well, my version of dating anyways. I've learnt that dating means different things to different persons, from going out with several people at the same time, to dating someone in the early stages before a defined relationship. I've never been able to do the first, but the selection process to get to my dating someone deserves its own blog post. I did the latter, where I dated one person last year.

Prior to me even stepping into the dating life, I was single for two complete years. For the first six months of this period, I did not even consider dating because I was angry, disappointed, and had a whole heap of self-esteem and baggage issues I had accumulated over the last, plus previous relationships. I just needed to get back to being me. I knew I wanted my next relationship to hopefully be my last, and to find that, I needed to be completely baggage free. Yes, I know that no one will ever be baggage free because our past experiences will always influence our future decisions in some way. However, I refused to take my insecurities because of past treatment into my future, so I stayed single until I was as emotionally stable as the person I wanted to meet. They say the universe knows better than you when it's time, and while I thought I was ready six months after my breakup, the universe said nah sis...you still got some things to sort out, hold ah strain. Here's a worldwide pandemic (Covid-19 in 2020/2021) to kill all socialising. I did go on a handful of first dates during that time, but none progressed to a second date. I was also not doing situation-ships, or friends with benefits, or any of those other vague things that I knew would confuse and irritate my soul. I'm not opposed to anyone living that life. In fact, I will gladly live through you, but it's not for me. I can't handle uncertainty. I'm possessive so would never be okay with sharing, and I find it difficult to find even a handful people I like enough to let into my inner circle, far less more private areas. So, it's an easy nope for me on those fronts. I'm unapologetically looking for my person, and nothing in between.

I was so clear on my intentions of who I needed in a partner that my friends and family thought I was crazy, and are probably convinced that I'll be that single aunt forever, because my criteria was too rigid. To me, I've learnt so much from my past relationships that I know what I need in a partner. I'm not asking for anything I'm not bringing to the table, so it definitely isn't too much, and I'm perfectly happy being single until then. In getting to know people, I let them speak by asking my open ended questions, to get their real responses, and not prompt them with what I want to hear. Most guys I talked to weren't even good at communicating (with me), which is critical to me, so that made it easy to know that they weren't right. I gave people a fair chance I think, by having phone conversation(s?) with them, and if those did not make me want to speak to them again, then why would I even want to take that to the date stage? I had a phone conversation with a guy who talked for twenty minutes with no interjection from me. I timed it, and clearly did not need to be part of the conversation. Why would I subject myself to an actual date with this person, when I wouldn't be able to easily escape? A lot of people in my life argued against this logic stating that some people just don't translate well over the phone, and they still deserve an in person shot. To this I said no because I refuse to force a connection. It's either present or not. I want magic. If that wasn't what I saw and felt, then I'm not sorry, and just nope. 

 I knew from the first real conversation that lasted a couple hours, and was the best surprise. Then, he called the next day and it was at that conversation that I was hooked because he didn't play any games by conforming to any time limits or waiting games. He enjoyed the conversation, and immediately followed up, and he did it with a phone call and not a lazy WhatsApp message. Effort. The way to the heart is effort. From that day, there have been many daily hour long conversations, and the quality has not decreased as we cover every topic under the sun. It's continuously engaging, and so enjoyable and I still look forward to them every day. Cynics are going to say it's early, and it is, but this pandemic and lockdown teaches you just how important it is to be able to just sit at home and have great conversations. That's critical in a life partner. I want to be old and wrinkly, and sitting on our porch having epic conversations, so if it's not great now when everything is new, then I'm running.

 I need to include this funny story about my parents' reaction. Now, as I've gotten older, I've gotten closer to my parents, so I tell them a lot more personal details, but before this, I've never really talked about past relationships. Looking back, it was probably because I always knew deep down that the people that knew me best would easily be able to hold a mirror up showing me what I was refusing to face about what was wrong in those relationships. However, in the last couple years, I've shared my criteria and the reason I'm still single, and my own dad said hmm...you need to aim lower or you're going to be single for a long time. So, when I told him I had a first date, he was surprised that someone even made it that far, but then when I said it was a great first date, and he got a second, my dad was literally floored. He asked, so did you lower the bar or remove it completely for this one? It was hilarious, and my response was nope, the bar is still very present. The weird thing is, I didn't even think to go through the list when it came to him, but when I did, he aced it. My friend who has been my ear throughout this 'dating' process, where I would start talking to a new guy, and then by the next day, I'm done because I was bored, or he was shady, or the vibes were off, and I just couldn't be bothered was optimistic, but understandably hesitant about this one. She was shocked when I said I had a first date that I was looking forward to, and then even more so that it went well, and that there were no red flags. You know they say if you look for things, you'll find them. Well, my new way of going with the flow is just letting people show who they are, and in that way, if my gut says run, then yeah, I exit that situation quickly. 

 I'm at the point in my life where the most important thing to me is my peace. I still have lots of growth in my future, but I'm truly happy with who I am as a person right now. I need someone who comes in and adds to my carefully cultivated space of light and positivity. I know what it's like to be in a relationship and be lonely 100% of the time, and I'm never going back to that, so I was really okay with being single and lonely 10% of the time, while my directionally challenged person made his way to me. I'm not looking for a perfect person, and things will never be okay all the time. The early honeymoon stage sure, but if both parties are being real and honest, you see where problems will pop up. It's then to be determined whether they're deal breakers or not. When I said there weren't any red flags, it doesn't mean that it's been perfect. We've had our disagreements which I'm so grateful for because I don't trust perfection. I want us to encounter problems as early as possible to see how we react to them, and treat them, and most importantly how we treat each other during these situations. 

 What I've learnt about people is that you need to let them be. Don't stifle them. Don't try to turn them into who you want. In my case, don't try to make him fit a mould, based on a list (even though he kinda does already...yay manifestation!). That's a recipe for failure, and that should be your own red flag. I want an already whole person who I share similar core values with, but who is their own unique person. I want us to be happy on our own, and choose to be together because we complement each other, and positively add to each other's lives and not because we're trying to fill a void that's lacking. I firmly believe that your partner is not responsible for making you happy. However, their presence and actions should not make you unhappy. 

Disclaimer: The exception to this is during PMS when he should make my overactive hormones happy with chocolate, hugs, and whatever crazy requests pop up at that time. But, that's between him and them...the brain isn't part of that conversation.

 At this stage in my life, in every area of my life, I can focus on problems, and what is lacking or I can focus on the good and attract more of that. This does not mean to say I'm going to accept the bad if it's a deal breaker, and making me unhappy. But, I think being good to people as opposed to making them feel bad for their shortcomings works better. Water them. Let them flourish on their own, but at your side. Give them space, because change, and growth is only going to happen if they want to, and choose to do so for themselves. Arguing about it is just going to make you both miserable. Listen. It is not easy, and as a control freak, with overactive anxiety when situations are out of my control, I need to constantly remind myself of it. But I finally accept without a doubt that the only thing you can control is yourself, your thoughts, your words, and your actions. 

I'm human. I need to constantly remind myself to be kind to myself, and trust in myself that I am making healthy decisions in my best interests. But, I've done the hard work - therapy, constant self evaluation, anxiety coping methods, time to heal and so on. I am grateful for my past, and my baggage. It has made me into the person I am today. It will always be in my life, but it's now an accessory that adds to my depth as a person, instead of a burden weighing me down.

 Dating as a healed person to me means learning to relinquish control over every situation. It means not overthinking and overanalysing everything that goes wrong. It means not internalizing it and turning it into something it's not. It means deep breaths and carrying on with the knowledge that it will be okay, and I have the power to not spiral out of control. Dating as a healed person means trusting in the process. It means not trying to control the other person's actions, believing in being worthy of being treated well without having to demand or beg for that. It's understanding that if someone chooses not to reciprocate feelings, or effort, this is not a personal shortcoming, and this worth does not diminish.

 I don't know where this is going to go, but I know what my gut says. It's early days. He might be my person, or he might be the person for right now. Either way, this is going to be a relationship that's going to be exactly what it is. Whether we stay in each other's lives for a couple months, or a lifetime, it will be appreciating each other for who we are, and not making the other feel bad for what we're not. We will add to each other's lives in a positive way because we're both great people, and we'll be better off for the experience. I know because I've been in relationships for years and never felt this comfortable, safe, or connected to another person. I know this is a combination of the person, the timing, and me having done the work to fix me, so that I can show up as my best self in a relationship. I'm trusting the process, the universe and myself a lot more, and I know that life is unpredictable, and what's meant to happen will happen. But I believe in the magic. I wouldn't be a #fairytalekindagirl if I didn't. :)

 This was written a couple months ago, and is still very valid, and as the point of the blog is to share my journey, I needed to post it before I posted the next one. Spoiler - what I learnt is that...yes I was healed, but my baggage, specifically my anxious attachment style was nowhere near to being healed. See next post for that literal breakdown.

 Light and love always darlings.

 What stage of unpacking your baggage are you at?