Goodbye 2023, Hello 2024
Happy new year my darlings.
There’s something so optimistic about a new year. Nothing really changes but a day, and yet it’s just easier to believe in a world of wonderful possibilities. Yes, we can change at any point, but we look for hope where we can, and there’s a palpable energy in the air at this time of year that seems to give us added confidence that the world is on our side. It’s just easier to leave (try anyways) the past in the past. Maybe it’s because life hasn’t had a chance to batter and bruise us yet in this new period, and you feel a greater sense of control.
Now, I’m not a person that waits for a new year to start over, not even a new week. The Universe knows I’ve tried to start over a hundred times (no exaggeration) in the last 2.5 years. Suffice to say, my longest run was a painful 11 days, before crashing and burning. I’m not grateful for the lessons. I’m not glad it happened. I would have been in a much better place if it didn’t but I can’t change the past, and I can’t sit in the shambles and ashes waiting for life to magically rebuild around me. I’m a fairytalekindagirl, but I know better. I have to keep moving, and maybe at a later date when I revisit, it’ll be rebuilt and renewed. But, that’s not for me to try to control, and definitely not wait on.
My main motto and way of life now is:
““There’s no one to change but self.””
Now that I can look at it from a semi-detached place, I know the last couple years haven’t been a waste. Certain things just take longer to resonate, and patience is never easy, but as the saying goes, nothing happens before its time. I have to reprogram 35 years of a Type A, Anxiously Attached, diagnosed anxiety personality, and that’s not easy. I know that just doing the work to figure out these things, so I’m conscious about it is more than most people do in their lifetimes. These traits were formed because of a myriad of reasons – environment, experiences, trauma, inherent, genes or other, but at the core, they’re present because they think they’re protecting me. It’s a survival mechanism to try to be in control so much, and shut down at points of no control. Now I know, and I think the hardest part is done. I’ve fought with myself and these traits for so long, that I feel like I’m finally ready to let go and let all the internal work I’ve done do its thing. That’s what this year is about for me. Yes, I have specific habits that I’m going to implement because these are the habits that my ideal self encapsulates, but mostly it’s about being, and figuring out who I really am at this point without all the baggage, and who I want to be. The main deterrent in achieving any goal is that you don’t really want it, and you won’t want it if it doesn’t appeal to who you are, and want to be, so before I can set lofty goals again, I just need to be still, and let the truth come to me.
That being said, I will be doing an in depth life audit, but I’ll do it in parts so it’s not rushed, or too much. Everything in small doses and small steps. Goal is just to get 1% better daily (shout out James Clear and Atomic Habits, book review coming soon).
““If you can get 1% better each day for one year, you’ll end up 37 times better by the time you’re done.””
So, here’s the juicy part, looking back on my past year in the different areas, and saying what I hope for the coming year.
Relationships
I’m not married yet, and no babies yet. But I know with certainty the Universe is delivering my husband this year, and I’ve healed/will heal so much childhood (and adult) trauma that my babies will benefit.
I love my family, who are my core support structure. The comfort of knowing I can pack up my apartment and go home and have my room ready, and mum feeding me, and get financial or other support as needed is something I will never take for granted.
I have amazing friends with no friend drama which I take for granted, but realise is a blessing when I hear other people’s stories. We’re all busy, but we genuinely love each other, celebrate each other’s successes, and know that if we’re ever needed, a message is all it takes. I’m taking the same friends into 2024, with possibly some new ones and that’s amazing.
Health
In summary, my last couple years were rough, and migraines were worse in frequency and intensity. However, it culminated in October when I had to be on two weeks sick leave and bed rest for the worst, most debilitating migraines I’ve ever had in my life, where my prescription tablets were doing nothing to ease the torture. Then, in November to December, some existing female issues that popped up in 2021 (yeah that was a rough year all round) severely worsened and forced me to go back to my doc to see what the hell was happening. My way of coping is denial so that’s why I was avoiding him, but I’m ready to deal with it all now in a positive way. I will share the entire journey when it’s over, but for now I’m actually excited to fix it because it will be a better way of life that will benefit me for the rest of my life. Your health is your wealth, and it’s something I took for granted for way too long. Remember, if you keep ignoring your body’s needs, it will force you to deal with it, so let me be your cautionary tale. I’m going to be doing some diet and exercise changes, but also focusing on good sleep, eliminating stress and tracking everything, with the non-stressful happy by-product being weight loss and feeling like my body is my own again, and not a barrel of unexplainable aches and pains.
Edit: when you black out bad experiences, it really works. That’s the absolute worst or greatest pun because what I forgot was actually blacking out. Yeh, I fainted in public, and I feel so betrayed by my body that the shame makes this a deeply repressed memory, and this is the only time I’ll speak about it because it’s going back to the archives. I also did a couple times in my apartment, which was serious, and I seriously ignored it, until the public one which was brutal and this was prior to my October incident, so I guess my body was just fed up of me at that point.
Career
Is it enough to say that I don’t know what I want to be when I grow up? I’ve reached the point where I have no desire to climb further up the corporate ladder. My position doesn’t define me. I’m not what I do, while acknowledging that what I do and have accomplished to this point is pretty freaking awesome and deserves to be celebrated. Not just the title of Group Financial Controller, but being able to meet the demands of the position ain’t no easy task. I just want to fall in love with what I do again, and not dread going to work every day, and not have debilitating Sunday blues, the recurring theme of last year. Too many Sunday nights/Monday mornings at 3am, I’d wake up with a migraine because I’d been stressing, consciously or subconsciously about the coming work week. I’m not doing that this year.
Finances
I’m good. Can I retire now or soon? Nope. Am I even a TT millionaire yet? Also no. But, I have no long term debt, an emergency fund, and the ability to do basically anything I want in life, whether by cashflow or financing. My lifestyle isn’t extravagant, but it’s comfortable and I have peace of mind, and that is golden. I definitely have some financial milestones I want to hit this year, but if I stay this course, I’ll be okay. Even writing that, my mind wants to fight back and say, no we’re not good. You haven’t done enough. This is how you know you still have work to do. You can know that you’re not at the finish line, while appreciating where you’re at right now. Also, I’m definitely winning a huge lotto jackpot this year, so why worry?
Travel
I went to two new countries in 2023, Curacao in June, and Guyana in September. I had a wonderful time, but if I’m honest it was shrouded in the shadow of not being able to shake my reality, even in a different place. You can only escape so much, and you can’t ever escape your own mind. I hate that I didn’t get to fully immerse myself in the experiences and have nothing but wonderful memories. But I learnt and I’m not doing that again. It does feel great to be able to add two new flags to the list of visited places, and I am looking forward to much more in 2024.
Reading
I read 83 books in 2023, from my Goodreads goal of 100. Honestly, I can see how I can easily do 100 because this 83 was probably from 3 months of a lot of reading, and others of barely any. My goal for 2024 is 50 because I think an average of one book per week is plenty, and fits more into my mindfulness theme than reading for quantity. But, this is really just a tracker more than a goal. Wherever it lands, 10 or 100 is okay with me.
Personal/Other
I just want to live. I just want peace of mind. I have just been existing for way too long, and I don’t want to do that anymore. I’m going to fall in love with life, and me again.
2024 Theme - Mindfulness
My theme for the year is mindfulness. It’s something that I’ve dabbled in before, but I want to make it an integral part of my life. I subscribe to an abundance mindset and I want to enjoy everything that gives me joy. This means that I don’t want to cut specific things, or categories out of my life, or go crazy budgeting or decluttering or anything really. I just want to take a pause, and consider how the item, or experience will affect me. I no longer want to do things out of obligation or fake FOMO. I say fake FOMO because if it gives me anxiety to go, especially as the event draws closer, do I really want to go? I’m not limiting how much items I buy, but I want to ensure I’m buying things that I’ll use within a three month period. I think that’s fair to still take advantage of sales, and stock up, but not stockpile. We’ll see how it goes because part of being mindful is tracking every dollar spent (does anything cost less than a dollar anymore?), and every item purchased (not including grocery items).
““We’re saying no to middle of the night, insomnia induced, sad girl checkouts this year.””
I want to post weekly again because this is my year of living again, slowly and at my own pace, but what’s life without some discipline and direction? Also, I genuinely enjoy writing and sharing positive content. There’s this quote that says:
““SELF DISCIPLINE IS SELF LOVE. If you want to be happy you have to love yourself, which means you have to discipline your behaviour.””
In the past, I’ve put a lot of pressure on myself to produce blog posts of a certain length, fitting into specific themes, of a good quality (content, pictures, quotes, etc.), and of course being an overthinker, this left me with tons of wonderful posts that are still in draft, and never made it to the blog. I’m not doing that anymore. I’m trying to create habits, and writing daily is one of them. I’m not over-planning. I’m not over-analysing (as much as before anyways). I’m living, and I’m going to share that journey, and it may be a bit haphazard, but that’s life, and it’s my authentic life. If you choose to join me on this journey, welcome and please say hi because it helps to know the people that are reading my sometimes personal to a cringey level posts.
Fun fact – it’s the first week of January, and I haven’t done my 2023 recap video yet because there’s months with content I’m not ready to face, but it will be done, and posted on Instagram and Tiktok at some point in this month.
So follow me (you can also just click the icons at the top of the page) at these places if you want, but only if it’s good for your mental health. In 2024 and beyond, we’re unfollowing anything that doesn’t make us feel good, with zero guilt.
Instagram: @sashamoons868
Tiktok: @fairytalekindagirl
Facebook: Fairytalekindagirl
Light and love always.
Sash
Forever a #fairytalekindagirl, even if I get lost sometimes.
