What do you do when you don't want to keep going?
In response to my friend telling me that someone had died from Covid, I said "lucky". I've made this comment before, and meant it. Now, I know there's going to be a lot of judgment for that comment, and you can keep it because the point of this blog is to be bluntly, unapologetically truthful.
That means putting into words what are only most people's deepest darkest thoughts that they'd never admit to. More than that, it means releasing those words into the interwebs to be judged. The point of this post isn't to say I've now turned into a heartless monster who wishes death on people. Of course it saddens me that these people leave behind families that suffer and miss them. But, in that moment, I just thought, gosh this person does not have to deal with this life and all its stupid problems anymore. And that has seemed really appealing for a lot of this year. And that shows just how dark of a place I was in.
Calm down. This does not mean I'm going to end it all, but I would not be torn up if an asteroid hit earth, or if the aliens attacked. Osho explained it best when he said, "the Christian mystics call this 'the dark night of the soul.' It has to be passed, and once you have passed it, there is the dawn. The sun rises, and one comes to know oneself for the first time. The first ray of the sun, and all is fulfilled. The first songs of the birds in the morning, and all is attained." This dark night of the soul sounds romantic, but it's really the biggest pain in the ass I've ever experienced. I'm certain I'll reach a new level of enlightenment or don't give an f-ness once I pass it. But, passing it hasn't been an easy process. It's like being stuck in quicksand where one move causes you to sink 10 inches down, and a helping hand pulls you 2 inches upward. It's an unpredictable battle where even when one day seems slightly brighter, you still can't see the light at the end of the tunnel.
Some background, we're two years into a global pandemic which is its own hell. I'm ridiculously stressed about my day job which occupies my thoughts 24/7, and not in a good way. I have been pretty stuck on moving forward with everything - business plans, studying, fitness, this blog. These were all ongoing but slow moving, and then everything started to fall into place when I did find my person. Unfortunately, he then went off to experience his own 'dark night of the soul' and that was the catalyst for my own world imploding. We were perfect together, but also a mirror for all the work that still needed to be done individually. For me, that was healing my anxious attachment style, and for him it was facing his avoidant. So, while we each battle that on our own, life goes on.
To the question, what do you do when you don't want to keep going? Simple (yet the hardest thing ever) really...you keep going. You don't have to do it with a good attitude, or with a full face of makeup, or a clean house, but you get up every day, and force yourself out of bed when you have things to do, and stay in bed in hermit mode at every other available opportunity. Unapologetically so. Listen, only you know what you're going through, and this post isn't for persons who are clinically depressed, and on medication and so on. In those cases, please listen to your medical advisors as necessary. This is me going through an extended rough patch, after ineffectually patching all my previous rough patches. They add up. Bandaids on wounds that need stitches and antibiotics may help in the short term, but in the long term, they cause more harm, and lead to infections, sepsis, loss of limbs, or even death. Yeah, it's a morbid and extreme comparison, but that's how bad it is when we keep pushing down our problems and emotions and not dealing with them.
I can't wait for the post where I'm telling you guys this experience was all worth it, and I've learnt so much and I'm experiencing the dawn and all that jazz. Until then...we survive.
My plan is simply to incorporate the below into my daily life until they become habits:
Breathing - People underestimate the power of breathing. As someone with a diagnosed anxiety disorder, I know breathing is my best friend. Sometimes when people ask what I'm up to, I respond with "breathing" and while this is something most people do unconsciously, it's become a very conscious practice for me. I still need to be more consistent as I only pull it out of my arsenal when I'm in the throes of a panic, anxiety, or depressive episode.
Meditating - This is definitely not a consistent habit, which it needs to be if I ever want to be able to control my overactive brain. Right now, sleep meditations are the most common as insomnia is still the only thing lying in bed with me these days.
Journaling - This has become a daily practice, as it works as a diary, a mind dump, an outlet for affirmations, dreams, hopes, and fears. Whenever I'm losing my mind, I try to write it out.
Reading - one of the things that's recommended for fixing your childhood wounds is to fall back in love with the things you enjoyed as a kid. I loved reading more than anything else, and maybe it was just an escape then, but it's an escape I choose this time. Also, part of my journey is reading as much inspirational, enlightening, life saving books as possible. You guys get to come along on the book reviews so we can escape, as well as level up together.
Get outside - I signed up for a 100 mile challenge last year which I completed on the 31st Dec, 2020. I then decided to be more ambitious and sign up for the 300 mile challenge this year. It was very doable if I had started in January, but we're in December, and I still have 200 miles to go, so there's that. However, I will sign up for another next year because it does help with accountability and get me into the savannah. These walks after work are therapeutic and much needed to unwind, and stop thinking for an hour. Other than this, I want to do more outdoor activities, like hiking, beaches, and so on. Beaches should be easy living on a Caribbean island right? Well..our beaches have been closed for most of the last two years as per government mandate to curb the Covid situation. Bah humbug. But, nature is healing and necessary for grounding, so we will be spending more time together.
Fitness - The last few months did help me to lose the excess weight, so at least I don't have the added insecurity of feeling fat while I'm already depressed. However, not fat still means unfit. I know I need to work with a trainer because I want to be healthier and stronger, and just bad ass. Since I've decided to live this life, I gotta be in good shape for the apocalypse right? This training starts January 2022.
Blog/Social Media Platforms - I'm going to continue to use my platforms to be positive in the most realistic way possible. This includes right here on the blog, daily Tiktok motivational videos, Instagram and Facebook posts. The quote "your story will become someone else's survival guide" keeps me going. I haven't posted in awhile partly because there's a couple negative people stalking my socials, making snide remarks, spreading rumors and so on. This was a big deterrent for awhile, but my life is my life, and light always wins over darkness, so rock so with ya bad vibes. It makes it worth it when people find my website and a post or two resonates with them, and gives them the hope they needed in that moment. That's forever worth putting my raw struggles out there to be judged.
Business Ventures - I just have to devote time every week to moving forward, and keep the fear of the unknown and failure at bay. Big things are coming. Financial freedom way before 40 will be the reality.
Work/Life Balance - I need to mentally leave work at the office. This will hopefully be easier from January 2022.
Love those that love me - I am genuinely blessed with an amazing support system of family and friends, and I need to remember this, and focus more on them, than the people who are showing up in my life in a less than desirable manner.
Live in the end - This is a Neville Goddard concept, and his books are now part of my daily reading. When the present circumstances aren't desirable, focus and give energy to the happy end goal. This is the law of assumption, which is often so difficult to incorporate into life, but I know if I can, life will be so much easier and better, so we persist until it hardens into fact.
My last post (linked below) was about figuring out who I really want to be, and now I have the clear, albeit general outline. That's my end goal. The above are the steps to get to that point, and the happiest, healthiest version of me ever to exist. I don't want to get back to being happy because that past version of me no longer exists. As brutal as this year has been, I wouldn't change it. It is forcing me to level up, and I will never regret meeting the person that aided with this change. We will have a lifetime bond, and always be a positive influence for each other and that's the good in the situation. I can't regret something that amazing. You don't regret magic. You just say thank you, and see you soon.
Don't worry about me. This post is not a sad one. I will be okay. So will you. Let's get through this together.
How have you guys been lately? What did you do when you were at the darkest period of your life? Let's help each other.
#fairytalekindagirl
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