What do I really want from life?

At some point we all get sick and tired of being sick and tired right?

I've been at this point for a really long time. I've broken more times this year than ever before, and yet the only option is to keep going.

Before we are even born, when we're in our mother's womb, other people have been implanting what they want us to be, and what's right and wrong into our subconscious. Now, obviously we need guidance and teachers, but I believe the part that is severely lacking is teaching us how to analyse and think for ourselves. We are constantly burdened with other people's opinions and obligations of how to live - our parents, our significant other, our siblings, our co-workers, society, and now more than ever in this age of technology, random strangers and keyboard warriors. If we're lucky, we meet people along the way who inspire us to question these ingrained ideas, and force us to really look at who we are, why we are that way, and is this really who we want to be?

I have known what I wanted for so long, and that's a good career, a family, and to be rich, which I've now finessed to mean financial freedom. It's evolved in recent years to be more specific, with more things like travel and spiritual advancement being added to the list. But, the core wants and needs remain. I never really knew why this was so important to me, and never questioned it because aren't these the checklist items we're taught that we need in life? Often the things that we think we need are because of the things we lacked in our childhood. I was poor growing up, so financial freedom and security is crucial to me feeling safe. Me being able to provide this for myself and not depend on anyone else is also critical as I watched my mum struggle as a single parent to take care of us. The desire for a family could be because it's what I think is most important in the world, or it could be because I did not have two biological parents in my life growing up. You can be surrounded by love, and still have abandonment issues that you don't even know exists, far less understand why until you dive really deep into a million why do I really feel like this questions.

I've always been naturally smart, so I accept that I had an advantage when it came to studies. However, I still despise when people call me lucky because I know how hard I had to work for everything I now have. I studied really hard for A Levels because getting into PwC was dependent on getting excellent grades and beating out hundreds of other applicants. I needed to get into PwC because I couldn't afford to study ACCA on my own and they paid for your exams while you worked, so this was my becoming an adult plan that had to happen. I don't think I had a Plan B to be honest, but I guess it would have been working somewhere else while I saved money to study. Thinking about it, I manifested that job by being sure it was mine, while putting in the work needed to earn it. Since my first job at 18 to now, every single job has been highly stressful, with so much overtime, so while on paper I have 16 years working experience, it's realistically much more. That being said, I am comfortable saying I've made it in my career, securing a Group Financial Controller post at the age of 30 to now. Has it been worth it? Yes. I'm grateful because I know that I can work very hard, and the tough experiences I've gone through have made me stronger. Is this what I want to continue doing? No. Not on the current terms anyway. I believe in work life balance. I don't believe that working overtime is a badge of honor. I'm grateful to be in a position where I can ensure that the jobs of my staff are structured correctly, where they are not required to work overtime to accomplish daily tasks. However, due to my position, this has meant so far that I have a lot of overtime to work until the structure is fully in place and functional. I cannot wait for this day. However, I no longer have any desire to climb further up this ladder. I'm good, and ready to move on to other things when that time comes.

I know that even if I stay at my day job, this does not offer financial freedom. It trades way too much of my time for a set salary. This salary, while decent, means I'm dependent on too many circumstances outside of my control (the job itself, bosses, co-workers, good health to be able to work, control over time). It also does not allow me to fully support the lifestyle I now know is most important to me. I want to be able to structure my time around work so that I can travel for extended periods of time. I want to be able to take a day off in the middle of the week. I want to have flexible hours to maximise time spent with my kids when they enter the picture. This means I need to start pushing forward on those business ventures. I've been scared of the unknown and failure for so long that it's paralysed me from starting, and I just can't keep limiting myself anymore.

My self actualisation needs have switched from satisfaction from climbing the corporate ladder to creating businesses I'm proud of, and making a real difference in society. I haven't fully figured out my purpose in life yet, but I know it includes making a positive difference in the world by inspiring people. This is the reason I started the blog, and I post motivational stuff on all my social media platforms. I know that I want to create at least two charities to help specific underprivileged areas in society. I know that I want to be at peace and content. I know I want to continuously grow spiritually so that I can have more control over myself and be less affected by the external noise.

I want my person. Someone who complements my life. Someone who makes me better and who I make better. Someone who feels like magic. I want a family. I want babies who I will nurture into their own unique persons without unknowingly passing on generations of trauma, having done the hard work to heal my own. I want that family dynamic where you have your own built in team and support system that's us against the world. This is the hardest one because it's really out of my control. I can't sign up for a course, work really hard, pass and graduate into a happy family. I can't earn enough income to buy it. I thought that doing the inner work to make myself a whole, healthy individual would attract my person. It did, and then I was forced to see how much more work I still needed to do. A big part of getting what you want is releasing the needy attachment to it. This is the tough part for me because I believe you get everything you want, but you need to release the "how you get it" for the universe to do its thing for it to appear. The only way I can think about releasing my attachment to this is by fully creating the other aspects of my life outlined above, so the focus at least moves from this lack, to the other amazing aspects that I am actively and happily engaged with, and grateful for.

Now the hard work begins...taking action and building the life I say I want. It may not be easy, but I will do it with light and love.

Do you know what you really want in life? Not what society or family wants for you, but what would give you fulfilment?

Don't you think you should know that?

Here's hoping you think about it and figure it out and give yourself the best chance at making the best of this one life you're given.

Light and love always.

#fairytalekindagirl