I'm Glad My Mom Died by Jennette McCurdy - Book thoughts
I listened to this on Audible. It's 320 pages, or six hours 50 mins at regular speed. It was read by the author, the protagonist, Jennette McCurdy. This is a memoir that broke my heart from beginning to end. It's a heavy listen, as it deals with lots of trigger warnings including eating disorders, substance abuse, and emotional and childhood trauma, so be aware of your triggers before diving in.
I recommend this so highly, and I don't believe in rating memoirs, as it's like rating someone's actual life, but this is a definite 5/5. While the story was heavy, the writing and narration was compelling, refreshingly honest and kept me hooked from start to finish.
Even if iCarly the show was out of your generation, the posters should be familiar, with Jennette McCurdy being a former main child actor on this show. Even if the character was an unknown actor, I would have been equally as moved, as it is an honest recollection of a life from childhood to present day that looks at the way eating disorders, image issues, and our parents and environment shape who we become as people, for better or for worse.
A lot of people think a doting mother is someone who focuses on their kid, and wants the best for them. But, what happens when the mother is so focused, it's overbearing to a very dangerous extent, resulting in actual parental abuse? There are entire fields dedicated to supporting those who have experienced narcissist abuse, and this story gives a realistic view of what it looks and feels like to the person on the receiving end. It narrates the incidents of abuse as everyday events that Jennette did not even realize weren't normal, outside of it did not feel right. It shows that abuse is not just blatantly physical, but the little persistent ways are as equally harmful as the one off moments of obvious abuse. A lot of people cannot fix their issues as adults because they don't even realize they had issues growing up. Not thinking something was an issue does not negate the deep rooted trauma that is done, resulting in their inner child wounds that carry on into adulthood.
"Mom calls it natural beauty what I have...she says I have a good smile, but my teeth aren't quite white enough. Each good thing mom says about my natural beauty is followed up by its downside, which serves as the justification for its need to be enhanced by a little good old fashioned store bought beauty. And since it seems that every single naturally beautiful thing about me comes with a downside that needs to be enhanced by store bought beauty, I'm beginning to wonder if I'm really naturally beautiful at all, or if mom's use of the term naturally beautiful goes in the place others would just use the term ugly."
It goes into how parents often push their expectations and unfulfilled dreams unto their kids. It also delves into how parents use guilt to get kids to see their way, how the kids are forced to soothe the parents (a perfect scenario of how anxious/avoidant attachment styles are formed), when the roles should be reversed. It shows how kids learn to give their parents what they want even when it doesn't feel good, because it's the only way they get positive affection from these caretakers which they obviously crave.
"I start fantasizing about how good it would be to not have to do the thing that cripples me with nervousness, to not have the constant nagging pressure of being chosen, and the sadness of not being chosen."
"She's not upset. She's not angry. She's livid. She's about to blow. Oh no, there's got to be something I can do."
Jennette was a victim to the typical narcissist traits that went from love bombing, where her mum called her, her angel, to calling her a whore when she made decisions on her own.
"Her hysteria frightens me and demands to be taken care of. "Never mind", I say loudly so mum can hear it through her sobs. Her crying stops immediately."
It shows how these wounds are formed from the earliest core memory stages of our lives.
"She comments on what a stinker I was. She says the word stinker with such a venomous bite that it might as well be a cuss word. She goes on to say how she can't believe I wouldn't stop singing Jingle Bells at the top of my lungs when the mood was clearly so sad. She can't believe how I didn't get that. How could I possibly be so upbeat when my surroundings were so obviously heavy. I was two. Age is no excuse. I feel tremendous guilt every time we re-watch the home video. How could I not have known better? What a stupid idiot! How could I have not sensed what mom needed? That she needed all of us to be serious. To be taking the situation as hard as we possibly could. To be devastated. She needed us to be nothing without her."
Abuse and love aren't always opposite ends of a spectrum. They exist right next to each other, each a split second away from appearing, which makes it even more complicated, and confusing.
“She wanted this. And I wanted her to have it. I wanted her to be happy. But now that I have it, I realize that she’s happy and I’m not. Her happiness came at the cost of mine. I feel robbed and exploited.”
Whatever our addictions are, they're there because they give us a sense of control when things seem impossible to deal with. We cling to anything that gives us even a semblance of control. They're coping mechanisms. We know they're not ideal, but they're the better option than dealing with reality without them.
"I don't even understand how something like this is possible. I make myself throw up, again and again and again."
"So what if I fucked up and ate? So what if I failed? So fucking what? All I have to do is shove my fingers down my throat and watch my mistake be undone. This is the start of something good."
Our upbringing, people, environment and experiences creates our core identity, for better or for worse, and until we're ready to change that narrative, to do the hard work to unlearn this way of life, and find and embrace our true self, every decision we make is as a result of them.
"I feel like the world is divided into two types of people, those who know loss and those who don't, and whenever I encounter someone who doesn't, I disregard them."
"I fight back tears as I realise that I've been foolish. I believed that these people would do what they said they would, give me what they promised."
I hope we're all brave enough to understand that who we are is not always our fault, and not who we need to continue to be, but it’s our responsibility to change. Take the lessons, but leave them in the past.
"I'm becoming an angry person with no tolerance for anyone. I'm aware of the shift and yet have no desire to change it. If anything, it's armor. It's easier to be angry than to feel the pain underneath it."
Please go read, or listen to this book, and let's discuss!
“I’ve become a bitter person and I’m resigned to that fact. I can’t change my circumstances, so why try to change who I’ve become as a result of them?”
Light and love always.
