Living My Happy - Ep1 - Romanticizing the last 100 days of 2022

On September 14th, 2022, I realised that I've been truly miserable for 404 days, since my world imploded on August 6th, 2021. Error 404 is something we've all seen pop up at some point while we're trying to access something on the internet. It means not found. This is so truly fitting, I laughed when I checked how many days it's been and realised that yeah, I haven't been able to find myself for 404 days. Today, let's be honest, not for the first time, I am making the decision to truly move forward. What's different this time? Not much to be honest. I'm just a little more tired and fed up than yesterday. So, why now? Because a little more tired every day adds up to the point where it's literally a matter of survival. If I continue to spiral downwards, I won't, so I need to at least stabilise.

I always tell people that I have the theory down pact about how to obtain my best life. If it was a written theory based exam, I'd ace it, but when it comes to the practical, I fail with flying colours. I even know why I'm failing when I'm doing it, and what I need to do to correct it, and still choose the wrong path. You know the image you have of looking down on your life as you self-destruct, and you're telling yourself all the right things to do, but your self in all its self destructive glory, ignores you? Yeh...that's always me, and I know if I even stop for a second, it'll help, but I keep going, creating a beautiful spiral of pain and chaos that then debilitates me.

On September 14th, when I made the decision that things needed to change, I had no plans for how I'm going to go about doing this, but as another week passed, and I realized that there's very little days left in 2022, I formed a plan. As of 22nd September, there's 100 days left in 2022, and I'm going to be delusional as fuck. I'm going to truly live in the end, and romanticize my life, and truly say fuck you to the 3D when it's showing anything that's not my desired reality. Fake it until you make it right? Well, actually, this is science backed, and I've been deep diving into all the materials to support this, and I'll be sharing lots of what I learn as I read these books.

The only thing I am going to focus on right now is truly letting go of the past. My new motto is that anything that does not directly affect me is NONE OF MY BUSINESS. This means the past that is no longer part of my present, or future, as well as anything that isn't positive and beneficial to my current and future life. This is shedding and releasing on a whole new level. I will not be interacting with anyone or anything that is not 100% FOR me. It's my life. My choice. And well...my sanity.

A part of me is skeptical about putting this out here because people can be cruel, and as much as I have a public blog where I share personal issues, I'm still the most private person. I'm empathetic to the point where I absorb emotions and have had to build walls to protect myself. Negative energy, especially aimed at you, is tangible and can cause you immense physical and emotional distress. Bad vibes ain't no joke. In the last 412 (as at today, Sep 22nd) days, I've had people stalking all my socials, people who have tried to ruin my reputation, and who have done and said truly horrible things to and about me. This is a huge part of why I haven't blogged the past year. It feels tainted to have them reading this part of my life, and basking in my misery. For context, these are all women who were a part of my ex's life, and one who was a toxic part of a family member's life. I regret ever allowing the first set to get to me, but I also forgive myself because the only thing I did wrong was have more faith and belief in someone I loved for longer than I should have. As for the second, I have a small tribe, but those people are my life. People can mess with me and I'll brush it off, but when you attack my loved ones, I will NEVER take that lightly. That's who I am. That's what comes with being someone I love, and that fierce loyalty is something everyone should have from the people they love. That being said, while examples may pop up as I go through my journey, this is the only time I'll address this, because I am completely moving on from the past. That circus is behind me. I have no hate for anyone. I believe everyone acted out of hurt, and I wish everyone well. That being said, they can do well very far away from me.

This journey is about creating the life I want, the life I deserve, and the life I'll have because we all deserve nothing less than our heart's ultimate desires. I know what my ideal life looks like, even if I don't have the map to get there.

So, I'm winging this process, while giving myself certain things to tick off daily, because without some rough draft, I'm setting myself up to relapse.

The overarching goal to focus on is a MINDSET CHANGE - just being present in the moment, and not dwelling and overthinking on the past.

But, I also want to include the below:

Daily:

1) Affirmations/LOA (start the day right, end the day right)

2) Gratitude/Live in the end Journal (I actually bought a cute one, so let's put it to use)

3) 10-15 min meditation (because I need to control these crazy thoughts)

4) Exercise - 60 mins cardio (I might be 35, but I refuse to look 35)

5) Read 100 pages - So I'll be posting lots of book reviews.

6) Write - 30 mins (I finally completed this today by writing this post! I'm winning already!)

7) Drink 3L of water (hydration is important I've heard)

8) 7 hours sleep (the unicorn on the list, but we persist)

9) Physical Declutter - 30 mins a day (I need to truly only keep the items I love - Marie Kondo my stuff)

10) Digital Declutter - 10 mins a day (I don't know about you guys, but just my phone albums are a hot mess and Google keeps sending me out of storage messages so time to delete)

11) Business plan - 20 mins (time to work out the logistics of the empire)

Weekly/Monthly:

12) Stick to budget (Attempting to spend mindfully, not emotionally)

13) Socialise - weekly (because I've been a hermit and I do have amazing people in my life.)

14) Blog Posts - two per week - Mondays and Thursdays (I'm putting it in writing, and giving myself and you guys the expectation to give it a better chance of happening.)

15) Renew my US/CAD VISA so I can jump on a plane with no notice.

****BE A QUEEN 24/7****

I'm hoping that making a commitment to this via blogging about it will give me the added push and accountability I needed. If I'm anything, it's always honest, and I don't want my next post to be that I relapsed after Day one. That's okay, and part of the process, but I've had 412 days of that. Enough! We're moving forward. Delusionally.

Note - feel free to reach out to me if you need to talk, but do not feel sorry for me. Messages of you got this girl, and so on are welcome. But don't encourage my pity party. Kindness for the journey is key, but wallowing in self pity is not. Living in the end means continuously picturing your best life, even when your 3D reflects a shitshow, and that's the ultimate goal. Imagine it, until it's reality.

Life may have been trying to get me to level up at speeds I was not comfortable with, and I may have gotten knocked down in the process, but the fact remains that I am still a light and love #fairytalekindagirl

I do share on tiktok and instagram as well if you're interested in more random bits of the journey.