Living My Happy - Ep2 - I wish you well..in hell
This title is a bit dramatic, and I really just used it because I remember the Cardi B viral Tiktok where she says this, and it cracks me up every time. Check it out below…
Did you hope, like me, that it would be a smooth, positive week one update saying I've been kicking ass at living my best reality, imagined or not. Well...God works hard. The devil in South Trinidad works even harder it seems.
I was struggling with this for a while because truthfully I don't just spew this being a good person narrative. I try to live it, and I'm often so hard on myself to abide by some perceived sense of what it means to be a good person. But really, whatever I feel right now is justified. I don't need to be light and love to people that have been truly shitty to me. I don't wish them ill, but I don't need to wish them well. Not right now anyways. Why do they get to be truly cruel and be happy, and I have to be happy for them? Screw that. Eventually, I will reach that level where the emotional turmoil has levelled out, and I see them in a positive light again. I know that day will come, because I currently have nothing but love for all (all two) of my past encounters that went up in flames. Granted, none of them affected me this much, but still, it's just a process. So, until then, it's ok to be angry. It's okay to not be there for someone that is literally giving no positive benefit to my life, but inflicting a world of pain with every contact. It even feels disloyal somehow to write this and that's how freaking loyal I am to the best version of him, a version I haven't caught more than a fleeting glimpse of for the past year.
So, I'm writing this on Sunday, Day 3, because it's my therapy, and the next actual weekly update will be more positive (we again hope!). Friday, Day 1 was genuinely as good as possible. I even woke up happy and committed to the cause on Saturday. Funny how the spiral starts instantaneously and just spreads. I did the opposite of what I knew I should. I checked social media because obviously I was feeling too good and wanted to piss myself off. If you go looking for something, you will find it. The funny thing is I know that I'm the only one perpetuating this insanity, because it is my life, and I'm the only one that can stop it. But clearly, I had another round of self-destruction still needing to get out. So, I got pissed, and that lasted until 3.18am Sunday morning when I yelled for the last time (we again hope), hung up and turned my phone off. I'm writing this on Sunday morning, after no sleep, and there's a different feeling this time. It's not sadness. It's not anger. It's disgust. But not disgust at myself for engaging, as unproductive as that obviously was, but at the other party. And let me tell you, it feels good. I deserve to be treated well, because I treat others well, and anything less is unacceptable. What's become most unacceptable is the lack of accountability and lack of freaking loyalty. Anyone that is okay consciously doing a single thing that makes me feel crappy does not deserve to be in my life. It's that simple. I will be in your corner as you go through hell and are the worst version of yourself, but even that worst version should be incapable of treating me bad, on a regular basis and without remorse. I can excuse a lot, but when I finally lose respect for you, then that's a whole different situation. Is this just a passing feeling in the aftermath of yesterday/this morning's latest moments of angst? Maybe. Or just maybe, it's progress.
Even though I've committed to living in the end whereby I ignore the unfavourable parts of my reality, it doesn't mean I will be ignoring my emotions, or in any way pushing down the negative ones. I know that's the reason people never heal. They don't honour and investigate what they're feeling and why, so they keep feeling it, and adding trauma to it until it's unrecognizable and unbearable. That being said, I am allowing myself to feel everything that comes up. The difference is I have to be my own therapist, and say ok you're feeling this for a reason, so why? (Listen, even a few sessions of therapy are life changing because it gives you the tools you need to get through life). This journey is about focusing solely on me, and giving myself whatever I need. If I'm honest with myself, there is a little bit of disgust at myself for engaging only because it's so pointless. I don't even know why I'm truly still angry. Maybe, it's just become a habit and a trigger that whenever I place myself in that situation, the exact same thing keeps repeating. I think what I'm really angry at is that I’m still in the situation, and the situation has cost me so much valuable time, and yes added unnecessary trauma to my already colourful childhood trauma. We often hold on because we feel it would be a waste of the time we already invested, and at this age, it's that especially critical biological clock ticking time.
Also, my struggle has been that if I really believe the concepts of Law of Assumption, this states that everyone is you pushed out (EIYPO). This means that the people that come into your life and cause these dramatic responses are mirrors showing you what you need to work on. So, it always came back to the question, am I getting mad at him for things that I need to fix in my life? How can I expect someone to be better and fix themselves completely, when I'm still allowing myself to remain in toxic situations? Mirrors. Self-analysis is a bitch eh. It's so easy to put the blame for your life being out of whack on outside circumstances. When you eliminate that as an option, it forces you to circle back to analyzing where you're falling short.
You have to constantly ask:
Where did I go wrong to create this situation?
What thoughts and assumptions do I have that subconsciously is creating this in my reality?
What is my ideal situation?
What do I need to do to re-align and fix it?
Then, I need to actually consciously saturate my thoughts with the new version. Affirmation rampage to drown the anxiety tirade as often as possible.
So, the next week is about feeling, with analysis and self-soothing. I always laugh when I think that my most memorable teaching from therapy is my therapist saying "You're too hard on yourself. Be kind to yourself." I swear he said this at least ten times every session, and I screwed up my face every time. But months, and years later, it really did stick. I'm still not living it, but I'm much better than I was, and striving to be even better.
So, this upcoming week loves...if nothing else, let's be kind to ourselves, and figure out why we're feeling bad, and give ourselves whatever we need to feel better (not hard drugs though. There are limits!).
Here's to a wonderful week.
Light and love always.
